While humming on whiskey lullaby she felt the burning end of her midnight cigarette. The clouds came together to give her the solace that she needed and put out the cigarette with tears that seemed real. She stared at the sky while the dogs barked and the city lights flickered. The sea breeze took away the pain with every step that she took against it till she found herself naked and vulnerable. Too weak to go any further she took a step back and picked up whatever she had left behind because maybe pain was the only closure she could sustain till the night ends.
Pretending to read the newspaper while smoking her last cigarette, she stared outside her bedroom window. She flicked off the ash while still pretending like she was well updated and cared about the world outside. However, her eyes were on the tiny specks of light outside the window. The rain had left its marks on the glass which was the only barrier between her and the glittering light that she knew was flickering already. Every time she closed her eyes to feel the air, the glittery specks of light smudged and some diminished. She removed the ash from her lit cigarette with the tip of her finger and chose to stay confused and befriend the lies because that made her look stronger in front of those tiny specks of light which she knew meant nothing more than her desires. She knew that the sun was going to show up any second and another day will go by just like the ones before where she covered up her skin with the lies to hide her own wounds. The wounds that she could only feel but could not see or she would have weaved new lies to heal them.
She took pleasure in thinking that she was doing what she previously thought was fun and not actually enjoy while doing that particular thing. She had ended up taking decisions based on false perceptions of happiness and then failed while making peace with the vague decisions that she never considered anyway. She was weak but failed to see that in others.
We listen to what pleases us. We do what the people around us tell us about, based on what pleases them. We strive for happiness which by others and struggle to meet it. But then we fail at some point because those people fail to impose their self-made concept of happiness on you.
Again, Humans are weak. We think that we have failed because the people around us have set this standard which if not met leads to failure. Oh and if asked, nobody knows who came up with that standard.
The sun smirked at her while she closed her eyes and refused to face it. She knew that if she had accepted her weaknesses and acknowledged them, she wouldn’t have felt the need to strive for happiness and wait for the sun to go down. If she would have allowed the confusion to take over her mind, the answers that were never asked for wouldn’t have paved in. Maybe if she had tried subtle with the words and exposed whatever was beneath what people assumed her , her wounds would have accepted defeat.
Wait….. Wait. Wait, because you can. Sit like a coward and stare at people silently asking for help. Or try helping them and secretly laugh over your own cringe worthy decisions that you made earlier because being a coward was easier.
Wait, because you are not ready yet and you failed to correlate with your own mind. You want to take a step ahead, but your brain refuses to perceive it that way and you find yourself standing at the same spot as before. The difference being that your feet have sunk deeper into the sand which is trying to cover as much mess as possible for the sake of denial.
Wait…. Wait, because you should stay in bed before your alarm decides for you. The alarm that tells you every morning that a day has passed by and it’s time to hide those dark circles from the nights that seemed to be endless.
Wait, because you are still struggling to grasp the words that appear to be out of your league and yet chilling out amidst the fears that you once assumed to have set aside.
Breathe, because….. You forget that you can.
She couldn’t breathe or move. The air seemed to suck itself in and out but lost its voice. Her eyes wide open, she continued to stare at the walls of her room. The walls that once brightened up her day now only made her claustrophobic. The walls that once became her canvas when needed remolded themselves into lifelong fears trying to reach out for her. Her eyes blinked accepting all the cruel realities that she had once unknowingly painted yellow. The tinge of purple amidst the yellow abstract of realities gave in and faded away with each tear that fell across her face onto the satin sheet.
Glued to the bed, with her hair spread around the pillow she let out a sigh of relief. Unsure of the extent of her dawdling indecisiveness she was unable to tell between the sigh of relief of pain and the uncertainty itself. Pain because the satin felt like thorns piercing deep into her flesh and the indecisiveness because her hair strands entangled themselves into knots with the false predictions. Meanwhile, being uncertain because she knew that nothing except from her existence was real, she secretly gave in to her predictions because only she understood and acknowledged the beauty of owning them.
She heard whispers as she took a walk down the memory lane. Whispers that seemed to be louder than her lies and the false image that she once portrayed. Unsure if it was actually a cold night or just her soul wandering off and abandoning her body, she decided to set her wings free.
Entering into the void, wrapped in withered fears, she knew nothing. Nothing more than the putrid stench of the memories that she couldn’t even recall.
It’s the chaos that keeps her from owning the unscathed skin that keeps on calling for attention. She crossed the seas and travelled all the way up to the mountain peaks just to see beyond the curtains of clouds. Trying not to stumble over some rock she tried to reach for the curtains, but lost her balance just like she did a few years ago before she finally gave up. However, this time she managed to unveil the exaggerated lies behind the sleek curtains of truth.
This time the realities had hit harder than the ground covered with lies. Blinded by the vague stories she could still see through the cracks between the shattered glass that seemed to be intact and invincible to others. Her absence in all these years had created an illusion and had cast a spell which blackened out the spaces between the glass fragments. She tried to seek comfort in people who were already living an oblivious life, but she had no energy to shatter the subtle realities.
At times you have to step out into the cold just to give the firewood some space to calm down even if that requires you to come back to the flakes of ash of what was once a part of you. She lost to the fire once again. The chaos ignited a new spark which left her no option but to travel back to the depth of the sea in quest of peace just like she had done before and get lost amidst the waves of flatters and beautiful lies.
Meet me half way on the route that beholds my shadow. Spin me around under the tree to give it life. Walk with me through the forests to the cliffs beyond to watch the sunset. Count the number of scars beneath the layers of skin that I am entangled in while we lie staring at the stars. Stare into my eyes while I search for peace in the waves that are too cold to embrace. Try to catch me if I come running towards you on the seashore. Remember my last touch before I go too deep into the ocean of love.
She sat at one corner, trying to absorb all the untold stories that pulsated along with the lights that flickered through what seemed to be, an escape. The smoke instead of blurring her vision portrayed the real picture of every individual that swayed in trance set by ecstasy. Every beat shook her soul enough to drift her mind off to a new untold story hidden behind faces that spoke of denial from inside, in its loudest form. The seemingly vague screams were trying to break through the walls she had built around herself over the years of self-hatred. The fear of exposing the scars all over again and not being able to go back to the reality way beyond the door was the only thing that kept her from giving in to self-denial. She knew she had to wait for the game to end to let time win like always and thus she did. Humans are too fragile to be a part of this race and yet they try. What people could not interpret was that she had befriended time, right after she had lost her race to let it heal her. Time is what her ultimate escape became where she knew no one else but only time could let go of her someday and she had to make peace with it. Time itself is an escape while denial is just an agonizing way of serving.
Vague images of green leaves lead me to a narrow valley that made me giddy from inside. I was Alice in the wonderland running in those lush green gardens ignoring the fact that it was not a fairy tale. The gardens just seemed to be endless and alluring beyond one’s inner desires. I ran flaunting my hair while the grass brushed against my legs till it became colder and then a faint tinge of orange splashed autumn all around me. Somehow I ended up between rocky mountains and clouds. Uncomfortably cold and yet a beautiful sight; the sun made it’s way out from within the clouds to make me warm as if we had an ethereal connection which seemed to have mystified the real world around me. I closed my eyes to let go for a few seconds and let the clouds lift me up. Flying is too much to ask for so I had rather let go considering I am unduly volatile for this neglecting world anyway. But wait, I can’t fall just yet. The sharp squeaky voices start to take over the euphoric clouds around me. Exasperated and yet curious I open my eyes into an entirely new and queer ambience. I see white light at a distance that seemed to be endless and in between were little mushroom heads chattering in their squeaky voices. My gardens and the mountains now appeared to be so far and the light at the far end reflected its image somewhere deep into my head. The light got brighter and suddenly everything became visible. Although everything always ends with a divine light but that wasn’t the case here. The light at the far end was no divining light but a projector’s light. What baffled me the most were my mountains and the gardens. It got worse when I realised that it was just a tiny green and orange motif on my teacher’s shirt.