She couldn’t breathe or move. The air seemed to suck itself in and out but lost its voice. Her eyes wide open, she continued to stare at the walls of her room. The walls that once brightened up her day now only made her claustrophobic. The walls that once became her canvas when needed remolded themselves into lifelong fears trying to reach out for her. Her eyes blinked accepting all the cruel realities that she had once unknowingly painted yellow. The tinge of purple amidst the yellow abstract of realities gave in and faded away with each tear that fell across her face onto the satin sheet.
Glued to the bed, with her hair spread around the pillow she let out a sigh of relief. Unsure of the extent of her dawdling indecisiveness she was unable to tell between the sigh of relief of pain and the uncertainty itself. Pain because the satin felt like thorns piercing deep into her flesh and the indecisiveness because her hair strands entangled themselves into knots with the false predictions. Meanwhile, being uncertain because she knew that nothing except from her existence was real, she secretly gave in to her predictions because only she understood and acknowledged the beauty of owning them.


The void

She heard whispers as she took a walk down the memory lane. Whispers that seemed to be louder than her lies and the false image that she once portrayed. Unsure if it was actually a cold night or just her soul wandering off and abandoning her body, she decided to set her wings free.

Entering into the void, wrapped in withered fears, she knew nothing. Nothing more than the putrid stench of the memories that she couldn’t even recall.

Forever lost… 

  It’s the chaos that keeps her from owning the unscathed skin that keeps on calling for attention. She crossed the seas and travelled all the way up to the mountain peaks just to see beyond the curtains of clouds. Trying not to stumble over some rock she tried to reach for the curtains, but lost her balance just like she did a few years ago before she finally gave up. However, this time she managed to unveil the exaggerated lies behind the sleek curtains of truth.

This time the realities had hit harder than the ground covered with lies. Blinded by the vague stories she could still see through the cracks between the shattered glass that seemed to be intact and invincible to others. Her absence in all these years had created an illusion and had cast a spell which blackened out the spaces between the glass fragments. She tried to seek comfort in people who were already living an oblivious life, but she had no energy to shatter the subtle realities.

At times you have to step out into the cold just to give the firewood some space to calm down even if that requires you to come back to the flakes of ash of what was once a part of you. She lost to the fire once again. The chaos ignited a new spark which left her no option but to travel back to the depth of the sea in quest of peace just like she had done before and get lost amidst the waves of flatters and beautiful lies.

  Meet me half way on the route that beholds my shadow. Spin me around under the tree to give it life. Walk with me through the forests to the cliffs beyond to watch the sunset. Count the number of scars beneath the layers of skin that I am entangled in while we lie staring at the stars. Stare into my eyes while I search for peace in the waves that are too cold to embrace. Try to catch me if I come running towards you on the seashore. Remember my last touch before I go too deep into the ocean of love.

 She sat at one corner, trying to absorb all the untold stories that pulsated along with the lights that flickered through what seemed to be, an escape. The smoke instead of blurring her vision portrayed the real picture of every individual that swayed in trance set by ecstasy. Every beat shook her soul enough to drift her mind off to a new untold story hidden behind faces that spoke of denial from inside, in its loudest form. The seemingly vague screams were trying to break through the walls she had built around herself over the years of self-hatred. The fear of exposing the scars all over again and not being able to go back to the reality way beyond the door was the only thing that kept her from giving in to self-denial. She knew she had to wait for the game to end to let time win like always and thus she did. Humans are too fragile to be a part of this race and yet they try. What people could not interpret was that she had befriended time, right after she had lost her race to let it heal her. Time is what her ultimate escape became where she knew no one else but only time could let go of her someday and she had to make peace with it. Time itself is an escape while denial is just an agonizing way of serving.

Vague images of green leaves lead me to a narrow valley that made me giddy from inside. I was Alice in the wonderland running in those lush green gardens ignoring the fact that it was not a fairy tale. The gardens just seemed to be endless and alluring beyond one’s inner desires. I ran flaunting my hair while the grass brushed against my legs till it became colder and then a faint tinge of orange splashed autumn all around me. Somehow I ended up between rocky mountains and clouds. Uncomfortably cold and yet a beautiful sight; the sun made it’s way out from within the clouds to make me warm as if we had an ethereal connection which seemed to have mystified the real world around me. I closed my eyes to let go for a few seconds and let the clouds lift me up. Flying is too much to ask for so I had rather let go considering I am unduly volatile for this neglecting world anyway. But wait, I can’t fall just yet. The sharp squeaky voices start to take over the euphoric clouds around me. Exasperated and yet curious I open my eyes into an entirely new and queer ambience. I see white light at a distance that seemed to be endless and in between were little mushroom heads chattering in their squeaky voices.  My gardens and the mountains now appeared to be so far and the light at the far end reflected its image somewhere deep into my head. The light got brighter and suddenly everything became visible. Although everything always ends with a divine light but that wasn’t the case here. The light at the far end was no divining light but a projector’s light. What baffled me the most were my mountains and the gardens. It got worse when I realised that it was just a tiny green and orange motif on my teacher’s shirt.

It’s okay!


      It’s okay to not be alright at 5 am and have nobody around you. It’s okay to find all your cushions useless because you find it impossible to cry and let them comfort you. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to stop breathing for a few seconds to tell yourself that it will soon be over and it is also okay to close your eyes for hours and live in a delusion. It is okay to accept that you are an individual with no authority of any sort. It is okay to spend an hour crying under the shower. It is okay to throw away your favourite shirt and regret it later on and it is okay to delete your favourite memory from the laptop. You know what’s not okay? The fact that you want to live in an oblivion and pretend to be strong enough. It is not okay to deny your fears and your insecurities. It is not okay to keep on telling yourself to not cry because you will be embarrassed. What isn’t okay is that you let yourself down in your own eyes because you are not being honest to yourself. Being sensitive, insecure and hurt will make you weak in front of others but when the time comes you will be the strongest one because you won’t have the the fear of getting embarrassed in front of those who don’t matter.


A person is a reflection of his past. Today as she walks through these streets, which lead to her destiny that is far from where she stands, she feels empty. Empty because she fails to untangle all the stories lying beneath her skin. She fails to understand who she really is. Life is not a fairytale. There are no happy endings or flying unicorns. Instead every story starts in the most magical way, which leads you into believing in fantasies. The ends are mostly tragic. You lose to your own fate. We all have inferiority complexes. Those who hide are named as arrogant and conceited rascals with no humanity and the ones who can’t, you name them as losers and cowards. She is still trying to figure out what she wants to be called. A normal person would call her a pessimist for even thinking about all this but is that it? She had a troubled childhood, dirty teenage and a messed up school life. She was a complete mess and so were the people around her. Do you not expect her to be surrounded by fears when her third grade friends are a victim of incest, when her entire life lies were trusted more than the bitter truths while bullying someone was being considered cool and in the end when her family gave up on her because the society mattered more? Yes most of us walk around with fears that are left untold and so did she. As she walks through these streets, totally strange to her where the lights flicker, completely shut down and at some point are brighter than ever. That is what life is. It is never constant. She too had happy moments in her life but she rejected them all because misery always pacifies and happiness evanesces. That is the reality of life. We are left alone to battle with our own selves to find the real purpose of the little humanity you are left with. But then again unlike her a few of us are lucky enough to not face any trouble at all to outcast this dark shadow of misery that follows us during the day and then finally takes over during the night leaving us to fight with our own selves and cry in agony, but all in total silence because the fears are always meant to stay within ourselves.

All that I’ll remember in the end


She gathered her clothes and left. This could be the last day of her life. She had no explanation to give or the audacity to take a stand for herself thus she gave up. She woke up in the hospital bed after what seemed to be forever to her. Too many eyes surrounded her bed with the same question but no one knew the reason. So they assumed what anyone would have for a fourteen-year-old girl who goes to school and enjoys her life like no one else does. People stopped pressurizing her over studies and all that was expected from an ideal student. Life did not give up on her in one attempt and left her for others to torture. She broke her favorite mirror because it refused to recognize her scarred body.
She managed to step out of what she called a cave with no boundaries and went to seek solace in her home, the sea. She stood on the corner of the jetty and felt the breeze reach deep within her body and hug her from inside. The waves carried so much pain that it made it easy for her to finally let go and accept her failure. She spent hours there everyday talking to the waves in total silence till the day she knew she had to let go of her best friend and move on.
Moving on is the term she mistook for rebound. Too many rebounds over the years covered up her pain, meanwhile she lost her self on the way and then set out to search for herself. She landed on the same place looking for comfort, the sea. But it was dead and this time she really had to move on and take a new step, thus she did.
She made herself vulnerable enough to be approached by trouble but strong enough to reject it. She let her fears take over and smile at them. Her biggest fear was love, something she had always despised. It took her months to finally realize that there exists a brighter side of the world that she had failed to see all these years. She knew it was temporary but so is life. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. She let her enemy be her best friend and impose itself on her till she finally accepted that she had finally fallen in love and this time it was not infatuation because for once it was all about respect and honesty that she had missed all these years. But this time there is even a bigger fear that’s taking over her and that is hope. What if this too doesn’t last and the scars that are finally fading become deeper this time.
In the end happiness always evanesces and the misery pacifies.
     She said, ‘I’m so afraid.’ And I said, ‘why?,’ and she said, ‘Because I’m so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.’ I asked her why and she said, ‘They only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something from you.”
― Khaled Hosseini, The kite Runner

It hurts more to have something and then lose it than not have it at all. But then again life wouldn’t be fun that way.

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