Forever lost… 


    It’s the chaos that keeps her from owning the unscathed skin that keeps on calling for attention. She crossed the seas and travelled all the way up to the mountain peaks just to see beyond the curtains of clouds. Trying not to stumble over some rock she tried to reach for the curtains, but lost her balance just like she did a few years ago before she finally gave up. However, this time she managed to unveil the exaggerated lies behind the sleek curtains of truth. 

  This time the realities had hit harder than the ground covered with lies. Blinded by the vague stories she could still see through the cracks between the shattered glass that seemed to be intact and invincible to others. Her absence in all these years had created an illusion and had cast a spell which blackened out the spaces between the glass fragments. She tried to seek comfort in people who were already living an oblivious life, but she had no energy to shatter the subtle realities. 

  At times you have to step out into the cold just to give the firewood some space to calm down even if that requires you to come back to the flakes of ash of what was once a part of you. She lost to the fire once again. The chaos ignited a new spark which left her no option but to travel back to the depth of the sea in quest of peace just like she had done before and get lost amidst the waves of flatters and beautiful lies.

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Death wish. 

  Meet me half way on the route that beholds my shadow. Spin me around under the tree to give it life. Walk with me through the forests to the cliffs beyond to watch the sunset. Count the number of scars beneath the layers of skin that I am entangled in while we lie staring at the stars. Stare into my eyes while I search for peace in the waves that are too cold to embrace. Try to catch me if I come running towards you on the seashore. Remember my last touch before I go too deep into the ocean of love.

An escape

 She sat at one corner, trying to absorb all the untold stories that pulsated along with the lights that flickered through what seemed to be, an escape. The smoke instead of blurring her vision portrayed the real picture of every individual that swayed in trance set by ecstasy. Every beat shook her soul enough to drift her mind off to a new untold story hidden behind faces that spoke of denial from inside, in its loudest form. The seemingly vague screams were trying to break through the walls she had built around herself over the years of self-hatred. The fear of exposing the scars all over again and not being able to go back to the reality way beyond the door was the only thing that kept her from giving in to self-denial. She knew she had to wait for the game to end to let time win like always and thus she did. Humans are too fragile to be a part of this race and yet they try. What people could not interpret was that she had befriended time, right after she had lost her race to let it heal her. Time is what her ultimate escape became where she knew no one else but only time could let go of her someday and she had to make peace with it. Time itself is an escape while denial is just an agonizing way of serving.

This is why I fail


Vague images of green leaves lead me to a narrow valley that made me giddy from inside. I was Alice in the wonderland running in those lush green gardens ignoring the fact that it was not a fairy tale. The gardens just seemed to be endless and alluring beyond one’s inner desires. I ran flaunting my hair while the grass brushed against my legs till it became colder and then a faint tinge of orange splashed autumn all around me. Somehow I ended up between rocky mountains and clouds. Uncomfortably cold and yet a beautiful sight; the sun made it’s way out from within the clouds to make me warm as if we had an ethereal connection which seemed to have mystified the real world around me. I closed my eyes to let go for a few seconds and let the clouds lift me up. Flying is too much to ask for so I had rather let go considering I am unduly volatile for this neglecting world anyway. But wait, I can’t fall just yet. The sharp squeaky voices start to take over the euphoric clouds around me. Exasperated and yet curious I open my eyes into an entirely new and queer ambience. I see white light at a distance that seemed to be endless and in between were little mushroom heads chattering in their squeaky voices.  My gardens and the mountains now appeared to be so far and the light at the far end reflected its image somewhere deep into my head. The light got brighter and suddenly everything became visible. Although everything always ends with a divine light but that wasn’t the case here. The light at the far end was no divining light but a projector’s light. What baffled me the most were my mountains and the gardens. It got worse when I realised that it was just a tiny green and orange motif on my teacher’s shirt.

It’s okay!

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      It’s okay to not be alright at 5 am and have nobody around you. It’s okay to find all your cushions useless because you find it impossible to cry and let them comfort you. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to stop breathing for a few seconds to tell yourself that it will soon be over and it is also okay to close your eyes for hours and live in a delusion. It is okay to accept that you are an individual with no authority of any sort. It is okay to spend an hour crying under the shower. It is okay to throw away your favourite shirt and regret it later on and it is okay to delete your favourite memory from the laptop. You know what’s not okay? The fact that you want to live in an oblivion and pretend to be strong enough. It is not okay to deny your fears and your insecurities. It is not okay to keep on telling yourself to not cry because you will be embarrassed. What isn’t okay is that you let yourself down in your own eyes because you are not being honest to yourself. Being sensitive, insecure and hurt will make you weak in front of others but when the time comes you will be the strongest one because you won’t have the the fear of getting embarrassed in front of those who don’t matter.

Constant Battles

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A person is a reflection of his past. Today as she walks through these streets, which lead to her destiny that is far from where she stands, she feels empty. Empty because she fails to untangle all the stories lying beneath her skin. She fails to understand who she really is. Life is not a fairytale. There are no happy endings or flying unicorns. Instead every story starts in the most magical way, which leads you into believing in fantasies. The ends are mostly tragic. You lose to your own fate. We all have inferiority complexes. Those who hide are named as arrogant and conceited rascals with no humanity and the ones who can’t, you name them as losers and cowards. She is still trying to figure out what she wants to be called. A normal person would call her a pessimist for even thinking about all this but is that it? She had a troubled childhood, dirty teenage and a messed up school life. She was a complete mess and so were the people around her. Do you not expect her to be surrounded by fears when her third grade friends are a victim of incest, when her entire life lies were trusted more than the bitter truths while bullying someone was being considered cool and in the end when her family gave up on her because the society mattered more? Yes most of us walk around with fears that are left untold and so did she. As she walks through these streets, totally strange to her where the lights flicker, completely shut down and at some point are brighter than ever. That is what life is. It is never constant. She too had happy moments in her life but she rejected them all because misery always pacifies and happiness evanesces. That is the reality of life. We are left alone to battle with our own selves to find the real purpose of the little humanity you are left with. But then again unlike her a few of us are lucky enough to not face any trouble at all to outcast this dark shadow of misery that follows us during the day and then finally takes over during the night leaving us to fight with our own selves and cry in agony, but all in total silence because the fears are always meant to stay within ourselves.

All that I’ll remember in the end

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She gathered her clothes and left. This could be the last day of her life. She had no explanation to give or the audacity to take a stand for herself thus she gave up. She woke up in the hospital bed after what seemed to be forever to her. Too many eyes surrounded her bed with the same question but no one knew the reason. So they assumed what anyone would have for a fourteen-year-old girl who goes to school and enjoys her life like no one else does. People stopped pressurizing her over studies and all that was expected from an ideal student. Life did not give up on her in one attempt and left her for others to torture. She broke her favorite mirror because it refused to recognize her scarred body.
She managed to step out of what she called a cave with no boundaries and went to seek solace in her home, the sea. She stood on the corner of the jetty and felt the breeze reach deep within her body and hug her from inside. The waves carried so much pain that it made it easy for her to finally let go and accept her failure. She spent hours there everyday talking to the waves in total silence till the day she knew she had to let go of her best friend and move on.
Moving on is the term she mistook for rebound. Too many rebounds over the years covered up her pain, meanwhile she lost her self on the way and then set out to search for herself. She landed on the same place looking for comfort, the sea. But it was dead and this time she really had to move on and take a new step, thus she did.
She made herself vulnerable enough to be approached by trouble but strong enough to reject it. She let her fears take over and smile at them. Her biggest fear was love, something she had always despised. It took her months to finally realize that there exists a brighter side of the world that she had failed to see all these years. She knew it was temporary but so is life. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. She let her enemy be her best friend and impose itself on her till she finally accepted that she had finally fallen in love and this time it was not infatuation because for once it was all about respect and honesty that she had missed all these years. But this time there is even a bigger fear that’s taking over her and that is hope. What if this too doesn’t last and the scars that are finally fading become deeper this time.
In the end happiness always evanesces and the misery pacifies.
     She said, ‘I’m so afraid.’ And I said, ‘why?,’ and she said, ‘Because I’m so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.’ I asked her why and she said, ‘They only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something from you.”
― Khaled Hosseini, The kite Runner

It hurts more to have something and then lose it than not have it at all. But then again life wouldn’t be fun that way.

Another chapter of life

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A girl called me a depressed maniac and another tried effortlessly to turn me into an optimist. Little do they know that I am entitled to whatever I am.
I know this one girl in my class who deliberately sits alone in the corner of the main lobby. I fail to decipher her expressions.Her classmates don’t bother her anymore because they believe she is introverted and yet a good observer. I don’t want to believe that because that is not the story behind her eyes filled with
despair. She is scarred from inside and yet she manages to smile at me each time she finds me looking at her. She incentivizes me, not the people who talk about brands all day long and cry because their boyfriends are ignoring them. I value each and every word of hers not because she is wrecked from inside but because she is wiser than most people who only ask me about what brand they should go for. The irony being I still wear BATA shoes to my university.
The night before the first day of university, I was in bed with my face buried between my two favourite stuffed toys crouching and bringing myself together. It was hard to get up in the morning and get ready to be around so many new faces. I was scared. So scared that one would call me a coward. Eventually things got better and nobody got to know about the loser that resides inside my head when it comes to making friends.
Time flew and I managed to get along with everyone. Meanwhile, I forgot one thing. These are not my people. They won’t and they can’t handle my bullshit. Stepping out of the little bubble I live in, I realized that everyone has a different story and most of the people are judgemental which is totally acceptable because life has taught them nothing which I believe is a blessing. Thus I gave up. I quit trying to be one of them and decided to build a wall around me that only a few people could cross.
People told me that I am crazy about water when they saw me running away from them but they Don’t know why I love the sea so much. I was dying to seek comfort since a long time in what they believe is just water for me. It was not just water, it was my best friend through thick and thin. I took the first decision of my life sitting on the jetty with the sea by my side.
I noticed my steps getting faster when walking towards the shore and then cringe a little before taking the final step into the cold water of the sea and letting the sand slip from beneath my feet. I did not look back to watch them wave at me. I just stared at the far end of the sea where I saw nothing but the sun finally giving up on me. I felt weak but i knew the sea had my back like it did long time ago. It was the sound of the waves, the solacity and the people around me that left me baffeled. I felt lost so I took a few more steps deeper into the sea till it was neck high. I let the salt seep into my vulnerable body. I flipped open my hair and let the water adore my body and then turned my face towards the sky and wondered how far I have reached in life since the last time I held the water so close to me. I swam along the shore with my face buried into the water wishing that my life could have been as calm as the sea or maybe that is how I saw it and as soon as I came back to the reality to catch whatever was left of my breath, I look at all the shadows fading slowly. I knew I needed to go back to the shore and let the reality hit me across my face once again but the waves stopped me and I gave up. I wanted this all along. The closure you seek at times lies in the place where it all started. You just need to be brave enough to face it and then give up. Give up not because you can’t win anymore but because you know you have lost too many times so it’s okay to lose once for your benifit to start over again and maybe this time the game is going to be in your hand.

Broken images

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She is a stack of incomplete broken images. It was a piece of art carved beautifully by its creator. Each line told a story and those alluring detailed eyes saw the world in it’s own way. It required no change. 
  Everyone who passed by tried to make it more beautiful in his or her own eyes and scratched the parts they envied, couldn’t own or accept.
  A time came when that art was nothing but a distorted and broken image of every passenger’s thought. Now it will never be the way it used to be- beautiful and pure. Now all that a set of new eyes see is an ugly piece of art which was never beautiful because they will never be able to tell the story behind those eyes that now portray misery.
    Humans tend to destroy the things that they love the most. They question humanity when they can’t be an example of it.
  You think the girl you believe is a bad company for you because she is too self-obsessed and is into things that you consider indecent? Do you believe that a ten year old can be a liar? Do you think that the person who told you his tragic life story is an attention seeking trash? Do you really think that the shy girl who sits in one corner of your class does not talk because she is shy?  Do you think that the girl with no makeup on, untidy hair, scarred arms and unmatched pair of jeans is a fashion disaster and a depressed junkie?
   If you do then it is okay. You are just a normal person living in a society like ours. You are lucky that you have not been pushed off the cliff by life itself.
  What isn’t okay is that you are too blind to look into those desperate eyes and too coward to acknowledge the real story behind their actions.
That self obsessed girl is a just a normal girl with a beautiful heart. She has been waiting too long for the puberty to hit her because you called her ugly once. She learned to be self obsessed with time so that her hair flip hypnotizes you each time and you are forced to listen to her. She spends an hour every single day trying to cover her imperfections with the brands that are hard to tell and trying to make it look real. She has been starving herself just so that she can wear the most perfect dress for her farewell party and saving the lunch money to get drenched into layers and layers of delusion with whatever she could find to cover her real self.
  That ten-year-old kid is a liar in your eyes. Maybe if you hadn’t shouted at him at the first place he wouldn’t have lied to you now. His father being a gentleman of our society decided to hit him and humiliate him outside the walls of their house when his child finally confessed that he failed his school test. He learned in those ten years of his life that there is no space for honest people in our society. He does hope that some day he will be able to speak the truth without being judged but you being the blind person fail to look through his innocent eyes and understand that.
The girl who sits in one corner of the class has finally created a comfort zone around herself. She chose a perfect corner for herself. This way she is easily able to avoid any sort of conversation and gets ignored by all the judgmental eyes in her class. You think she did that because she is shy or dumb? No, she did that because she has learned to hate the people around her and is getting exposed to the reality of life more than most of the children sitting around her. She is learning to feel comfortable in her own skin. At home her parents are usually busy arguing over things that her mind is too young to absorb. They sit in silence on the dinner table desperately waiting for the dinner to end. She desperately looks at her parents waiting for them to ask her about her day but no, she ends up locking herself in her room and cry in total silence. Her tears become her comfort but you are too blind to see her swollen eyes.
  The boy you think is an attention seeking trash lives with his father who is never at home. His parents got divorced at the time when he was too busy swirling planes in the air and believed that separation was a matter of a few days.  He kept on waiting for his mother on the front door but she never came by, not even to tell him that she loves him with all her heart. He has missed on a lot of affection his whole life and then his father sent him off to a hostel for higher education. As soon a he entered his practical life he lost his father to an accident but it didn’t make much difference in his life except that he became an orphan. Him not being able to feel any emotion was depressing itself. Soon he started losing his friends too which is enlisted by our society as one of the rules of growing up but he tries to fit in to find people to talk to but he fails because you fail to see his efforts and instead call him an attention seeking trash.
   The girl with no makeup on has been told her entire life that she is beautiful. She has been the center of attraction in every single room she has been in. People molested her when her parents trusted the world too much. She has been touched and looked upon in ways that she did not understand back then. Those haunted eyes that have followed her through the dark streets still scare her. The comments that she gets by random people every time she decides to flaunt her beauty around her friends disgusts her. She looks at herself in the mirror everyday wondering when and why the world became so shallow. Her heart pounds every time she is alone with a man in one room because she knows that she won’t be able to fight for herself just like before. She has learned to believe that looks and beauty are just a distraction and that the world has become too shallow to look beyond these things. She now does not spend hours in front of a mirror to make her self look acceptable by the society because she is angry and is being suffocated by her own body.  The only time she uses a concealer is when she has to cover the scars on her arms. She leaves her dark circles the way they are and yet you are too blind to know that she is not a junkie or a depressed girl but someone who has an aim and wants to be happy and not be treated like an object.
   We were born innocent with no history. Our society and the people around us turned us into who we are. However we can’t blame others because we too at some point have changed someone’s life. Maybe you were too busy practicing your sarcasm just for the sake of it and didn’t realize that the victim was trying to hold back his tears. We are all to be blamed because all our actions are linked together and destroying this society.
   The question is what do we do knowing that we are all wrong at some point? It is simple and you know the answer to it. Compromise and love without any demand. When you don’t take revenge the bad guy always hesitates in future. Take a stand for yourself so that people know that you are not dumb or shy. Be strong and help your friends and family stay strong. Smile and spread love because we make our society. Stop being ignorant and blind so that you can see and spread the beauty lying behind these broken images.