It’s the chaos that keeps her from owning the unscathed skin that keeps on calling for attention. She crossed the seas and travelled all the way up to the mountain peaks just to see beyond the curtains of clouds. Trying not to stumble over some rock she tried to reach for the curtains, but lost her balance just like she did a few years ago before she finally gave up. However, this time she managed to unveil the exaggerated lies behind the sleek curtains of truth.
This time the realities had hit harder than the ground covered with lies. Blinded by the vague stories she could still see through the cracks between the shattered glass that seemed to be intact and invincible to others. Her absence in all these years had created an illusion and had cast a spell which blackened out the spaces between the glass fragments. She tried to seek comfort in people who were already living an oblivious life, but she had no energy to shatter the subtle realities.
At times you have to step out into the cold just to give the firewood some space to calm down even if that requires you to come back to the flakes of ash of what was once a part of you. She lost to the fire once again. The chaos ignited a new spark which left her no option but to travel back to the depth of the sea in quest of peace just like she had done before and get lost amidst the waves of flatters and beautiful lies.
Vague images of green leaves lead me to a narrow valley that made me giddy from inside. I was Alice in the wonderland running in those lush green gardens ignoring the fact that it was not a fairy tale. The gardens just seemed to be endless and alluring beyond one’s inner desires. I ran flaunting my hair while the grass brushed against my legs till it became colder and then a faint tinge of orange splashed autumn all around me. Somehow I ended up between rocky mountains and clouds. Uncomfortably cold and yet a beautiful sight; the sun made it’s way out from within the clouds to make me warm as if we had an ethereal connection which seemed to have mystified the real world around me. I closed my eyes to let go for a few seconds and let the clouds lift me up. Flying is too much to ask for so I had rather let go considering I am unduly volatile for this neglecting world anyway. But wait, I can’t fall just yet. The sharp squeaky voices start to take over the euphoric clouds around me. Exasperated and yet curious I open my eyes into an entirely new and queer ambience. I see white light at a distance that seemed to be endless and in between were little mushroom heads chattering in their squeaky voices. My gardens and the mountains now appeared to be so far and the light at the far end reflected its image somewhere deep into my head. The light got brighter and suddenly everything became visible. Although everything always ends with a divine light but that wasn’t the case here. The light at the far end was no divining light but a projector’s light. What baffled me the most were my mountains and the gardens. It got worse when I realised that it was just a tiny green and orange motif on my teacher’s shirt.
She gathered her clothes and left. This could be the last day of her life. She had no explanation to give or the audacity to take a stand for herself thus she gave up. She woke up in the hospital bed after what seemed to be forever to her. Too many eyes surrounded her bed with the same question but no one knew the reason. So they assumed what anyone would have for a fourteen-year-old girl who goes to school and enjoys her life like no one else does. People stopped pressurizing her over studies and all that was expected from an ideal student. Life did not give up on her in one attempt and left her for others to torture. She broke her favorite mirror because it refused to recognize her scarred body.
She managed to step out of what she called a cave with no boundaries and went to seek solace in her home, the sea. She stood on the corner of the jetty and felt the breeze reach deep within her body and hug her from inside. The waves carried so much pain that it made it easy for her to finally let go and accept her failure. She spent hours there everyday talking to the waves in total silence till the day she knew she had to let go of her best friend and move on.
Moving on is the term she mistook for rebound. Too many rebounds over the years covered up her pain, meanwhile she lost her self on the way and then set out to search for herself. She landed on the same place looking for comfort, the sea. But it was dead and this time she really had to move on and take a new step, thus she did.
She made herself vulnerable enough to be approached by trouble but strong enough to reject it. She let her fears take over and smile at them. Her biggest fear was love, something she had always despised. It took her months to finally realize that there exists a brighter side of the world that she had failed to see all these years. She knew it was temporary but so is life. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. She let her enemy be her best friend and impose itself on her till she finally accepted that she had finally fallen in love and this time it was not infatuation because for once it was all about respect and honesty that she had missed all these years. But this time there is even a bigger fear that’s taking over her and that is hope. What if this too doesn’t last and the scars that are finally fading become deeper this time.
In the end happiness always evanesces and the misery pacifies.
She said, ‘I’m so afraid.’ And I said, ‘why?,’ and she said, ‘Because I’m so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.’ I asked her why and she said, ‘They only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something from you.”
― Khaled Hosseini, The kite Runner
It hurts more to have something and then lose it than not have it at all. But then again life wouldn’t be fun that way.
A girl called me a depressed maniac and another tried effortlessly to turn me into an optimist. Little do they know that I am entitled to whatever I am.
I know this one girl in my class who deliberately sits alone in the corner of the main lobby. I fail to decipher her expressions.Her classmates don’t bother her anymore because they believe she is introverted and yet a good observer. I don’t want to believe that because that is not the story behind her eyes filled with
despair. She is scarred from inside and yet she manages to smile at me each time she finds me looking at her. She incentivizes me, not the people who talk about brands all day long and cry because their boyfriends are ignoring them. I value each and every word of hers not because she is wrecked from inside but because she is wiser than most people who only ask me about what brand they should go for. The irony being I still wear BATA shoes to my university.
The night before the first day of university, I was in bed with my face buried between my two favourite stuffed toys crouching and bringing myself together. It was hard to get up in the morning and get ready to be around so many new faces. I was scared. So scared that one would call me a coward. Eventually things got better and nobody got to know about the loser that resides inside my head when it comes to making friends.
Time flew and I managed to get along with everyone. Meanwhile, I forgot one thing. These are not my people. They won’t and they can’t handle my bullshit. Stepping out of the little bubble I live in, I realized that everyone has a different story and most of the people are judgemental which is totally acceptable because life has taught them nothing which I believe is a blessing. Thus I gave up. I quit trying to be one of them and decided to build a wall around me that only a few people could cross.
People told me that I am crazy about water when they saw me running away from them but they Don’t know why I love the sea so much. I was dying to seek comfort since a long time in what they believe is just water for me. It was not just water, it was my best friend through thick and thin. I took the first decision of my life sitting on the jetty with the sea by my side.
I noticed my steps getting faster when walking towards the shore and then cringe a little before taking the final step into the cold water of the sea and letting the sand slip from beneath my feet. I did not look back to watch them wave at me. I just stared at the far end of the sea where I saw nothing but the sun finally giving up on me. I felt weak but i knew the sea had my back like it did long time ago. It was the sound of the waves, the solacity and the people around me that left me baffeled. I felt lost so I took a few more steps deeper into the sea till it was neck high. I let the salt seep into my vulnerable body. I flipped open my hair and let the water adore my body and then turned my face towards the sky and wondered how far I have reached in life since the last time I held the water so close to me. I swam along the shore with my face buried into the water wishing that my life could have been as calm as the sea or maybe that is how I saw it and as soon as I came back to the reality to catch whatever was left of my breath, I look at all the shadows fading slowly. I knew I needed to go back to the shore and let the reality hit me across my face once again but the waves stopped me and I gave up. I wanted this all along. The closure you seek at times lies in the place where it all started. You just need to be brave enough to face it and then give up. Give up not because you can’t win anymore but because you know you have lost too many times so it’s okay to lose once for your benifit to start over again and maybe this time the game is going to be in your hand.